As part of the recommended annual maintenance for computer mice, please turn all mice from student and staff computers on their back for 15 minutes. This will allow their internal mechanism to reset, and will give them a longer life.

If you can, please do that over the weekend. However, if you read this email only on Monday, then do so before the class starts or during a break.

Should you have any questions, please do not hesitate to email me.

Thank you for your cooperation,

As you know, Daylight Savings Time starts tomorrow and you are supposed to move your clocks forward one hour.

However, and in order to provide you with the means to comply with our new enforcement of the arrival time rules as outlined by Richard Troxel’s memo last week, we have decided to internally not change the time. The internal time will be known as CompuClub Time^{tm .}

This will allow you to arrive plenty on time for our classes, and so even if you arrive 5 minutes late, you will still be 55 minutes early. This will also allow us to reduce our costs, since we will stop paying you one hour before the end of the class.

I am sure you can see the wisdom of this decision, and the benefits for our customers, and I trust that you support its implementation. Should you have any question, please do not hesitate to contact me.

I am pleased to announce that under a new agreement with our Payroll company (First Pay), we will now be paid under a plan called Direct Depot Zip.

Instead of a bi-monthly check, they will depozip your pay under a newly created account run by them. You will then send your bills (rent, car payment, utilities, ...) directly to First Pay, and they will pay them directly. It allows all of us to much better manage our money than under the present conditions, when our spouses or significant others are pretty much running away with it.

I am sure you will quickly see the advantages of having someone else run your finances, and I welcome any questions you may have.

Disaster planned for this weekend.

As part of emergency planning, an unplanned disaster has been scheduled for this Saturday afternoon at 1:00pm. The disaster will last for eight hours. During the disaster, servers will be unavailable, mail will be misdelivered, and user files will be lost. Following the disaster, machines will be rebooted randomly.

A committee has been formed to examine the staffs' response to the disaster. At this point, there are no plans to recover lost email or files. However, this may be changed during the next scheduled unplanned disaster, which at this time has not been planned nor scheduled.

Dennis Chazelle

Director of Unplanned Scheduled Disasters

Let me know what you think.

In order to reflect the French origins of the CompuClub founder, as well as to avoid major conflicts and to facilitate the management of user accounts, the following email system will be substituted from the current naming system of firstname.lastname@thecompuclub.com.

1. All last names shall be changed to the last name of LAFLEUR.

2. To aid in sorting, names shall be placed as lastname (LAFLEUR) first.

3. The users' first initial shall be used as the differentiating character.

For example, ABurriss becomes LAFLEURA

4. In case of initial duplication, a numeric qualifier shall be added to the names. For Example, DAN.BROKOSKIE becomes LAFLEURD1 and DAN.KEUSAL becomes LAFLEURD2.

5. However, in light of the name restrictions on some mail server, all names shall be padded out to a standard length of 10 characters. So for example, LAFLEURD1 becomes LAFLEURD001 and LAFLEURD2 becomes LAFLEURD002.

6. Where the name LAFLEUR already exists in the name database, it shall be changed to the surname DUPONT with the naming convention shown above for LAFLEUR similarly applicable to DUPONT. For example, JLAFLEUR becomes DUPONTD001 as FLAFLEUR is actually J. Frederick LAFLEUR and thus he becomes DUPONTD002.

Please note that these changes are to become effective today April FIRST, 2000, and will take effect as new users are moved over to the new system.

In order to help alleviate the commuting issue between centers, which has been exacerbated due to rising fuel costs, the CompuClub has purchased a set of 10 shiny new bicycles for the use of commuting teachers.

I need to inform you that I was contacted yesterday by our landlord regarding a space problem. The hair salon next door has had space problems, and we are being asked to provide a part of our space to them. The lease, as incredible as it may seem, allows them to do that trough a small clause buried under the heading “Heretofore Clauses”.

At this time, we have no choice but to accommodate the Salon. It is probably best to try to make the most of it, and so I have thought about some possible marketing combinations. For example, we could now offer a Hair Pass Plus that would include unlimited shampoo as part of the Plus option, and a “Using the Mousse” class. One option is also to offer an IntHairNet class, as well as an Outlookgood class. We could also rename ourselves the CompuHairClub for Men, and create a new programming language called Hair To Mustache Language (HTML).

Finally, the salon has asked me to entirely computerize their operations, and Len has assured me that the Ethairnet port in the back of the computer can accommodate a blow-dryer.

Let me know if you have any questions.

I was contacted yesterday by Verio’s lawyer regarding your heavy use of the Internet. (Verio is our Internet Service Provider). Apparently, your heavy use of the Internet has clogged the Internet and Verio had to shut down for 2 days because of it.

They have not specified the amount that they want to sue for, but they will contact you directly for that. As a company, be aware that we will do our best to defend your right to use the Internet for any meaningless purpose whatsoever.

Call me if you have any question.

Len and Margaret:

Please contact Mr. Terry Shark at 301-442-7589. He is a lawyer for Bell Atlantic and contacted me yesterday regarding your heavy use of the phone lines for romantic purposes. Apparently, there have been problems with the sounds emitted by both of you. The technical term for such disruptions is romanstatic and it has caused Bell Atlantic to shut down part of their Montgomery County operations for 2 days. They now want to sue you to recover their costs.

I told them we would help you with your defense as we as a company will always stand for the right of our employees to waste their time in whatever fashion they wish.